


The Outcome is not so Clear

by ArbuscularMycorrhizal



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dissociation, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I tried but there are for sure mistakes, Mild Self Harm, Panic Attacks, beau trying very hard to keep it together and keep her family together, c2e49, caduceus helping to pick up the pieces, caleb doing a very good job of falling apart, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-17 05:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17553992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArbuscularMycorrhizal/pseuds/ArbuscularMycorrhizal
Summary: After the talk by the river and the talk in the cart it's harder to get through the night than they thought.Beau comforts Caleb and Caduceus comforts them both.Tag to episode 49





	The Outcome is not so Clear

She wouldn’t have noticed him if it hadn’t been for the low rumbling purr of Frumpkin. A little bit of light spilled in as moonlight from the window at the end of the hall, casting everything in a blueish gloom. He sat in shadow at the top of the stairs. Slumped against the wall, staring blankly into the darkness down below, ball of cat on his lap. She almost walked past on her way to the washroom in search of water at the end of the hall. Night vision goggles left in the room with a softly snoring Jester.

“Caleb?”

There wasn’t a response. She tried again.

“Hey-” She moved to lay a hand on his shoulder. At the barest brush of her fingers he jerked violently. Gasping, whites of his eyes visible even in the low light. He didn’t seem to see her. She could feel tremors moving through him. Shuddering waves of anxiety that had been going on for who knew how long.

“Woah woah woah, it’s me Caleb.” Too long of a pause.

“Beauregard?” His voice was rough and quiet.

“Yeah, man. What’s going on?” Are you okay?

“I was not running.” He still hadn’t looked at her, eyes wide ahead looking at something she couldn’t see. He was hugging himself, fingers digging into arms. She felt a heavy weight spread across her shoulders and settle in her chest.

“I never said you were.” The top stair creaked as she took a seat bedside him, drink of water forgotten. “Besides, if you were you’d probably need you boots for that.”

He was in an unusual state of undress. Familiar ratty coat missing along with his holsters. She could see toes poking out of his worn socks. Pants and thin shirt offering little protection against the night chill that had settled over the inn. The wrappings he wore on his arms, although never clean, were at least usually neat. But tonight they looked rushed and loose. Like he had tried wrapped them himself but judging by his shaking hands, hadn’t managed it.

“What’s up? Couldn’t sleep?”

A jerky nod. Eyes still straight ahead.

“Do you want me to get Nott?”

A shake of the head. “N-no. She needs to sleep. She, she can’t be worrying about me. Not with everything going on.”

Oh “Caleb, that’s not-” She tried for words, tried for comfort, and found nothing. He wouldn’t want a hug, she wasn’t much good at them anyway. Soft words? She didn’t have any. “I’m sure she can worry about both.”

“She shouldn’t. None of you-” Deep shuddering breath. He hunched over further. Gripped his arms tighter. “If they come. If I’m still here...If-” If’s seemed to overwhelm him. Words choked off. Deep breath fell away to shallow ones, picking up rate until it seemed like he wasn’t getting any air at all. Beau could feel the panic consuming him, maybe she was just panicking herself.

“Woah, we’re okay. We’re okay.” What was there that she could say that would help? There was nothing. All of this ran too deep. “We’re okay.” There was nothing to do but scooch closer and wrap an arm around the thin body wrought with tension.

Hours passed in the way of minutes and things didn’t seem to get any better. Did she get Nott? Was this something Jester could heal? What was she supposed to do? She just sat there, arm around him, and waited.

The hyperventilating didn’t so much as stop as Caleb seemed to run out of steam. Short quick breaths stuttering and turning into wheezes and gasps. Beau held on.

“Hey, breathe with me. In and out, in and out.” In, that might have been a sob, and out. In and out.

He felt like dead weight. A puppet with its strings cut, slumped against her. She ran what she hoped was a comforting hand over his. And frowned and she felt a warm wetness. Tears? No, Caleb was never much for crying. She let go of him for a moment to bring her hand up to her face. It was hard to see in the dim light but she could see black on her hands and smell iron. Shit.

“Shit. Fuck. Caleb?” Had he been hurt earlier? They hadn’t been in a fight in ages. There hadn’t been any immediate threat. Fingers digging into arms. Shit. She patted his other arm and got no response but felt dampness. She had been out of her depth before but this needed a healer and Beau needed help.

“Hang on just a second. I’m gonna grab-” Who was she going to grab? She had heard Jester’s tearful whispers to the Traveler fade into quiet snores. She didn’t want to wake her. She would grab Caduceus.

She looked at the wizard and then down at his cat.

“Don’t let him move okay?” Frumpkin didn’t seem respond other than blinking at her. Good enough.

She shifted Caleb so he was more against wall.

“I’ll be right back okay?” Nothing in response.

She didn’t care that her footsteps were loud and the knock on Caduceus’ door was louder. There was a shuffling of large feet and a soft glow of divine light from under the door before it creaked open.

“Yeah?” The firbolg blinked sleep from his eyes and gave her a smile. “What can I help you with Beau?”

His calmness somehow felt abrasive. And somehow she felt tears in the back of her throat. She forced words past them.

“Caleb is-” She gestured towards the stairs. “He- I need…” help. She needed help.

Caduceus nodded like he knew what the missing words were and held up a hand. “Hang on just a moment. Let me grab an extra blanket.”

He disappeared for a moment and reappeared with one of the blankets from his bed.

“Lead the way.”

They found Caleb unmoved. Slumped on the top stair with blank eyes. Under Caduceus’ light she could see now the blotchy face and the growing dark red stains on either arm.

“Yep, okay. Can you hold this for a second Beau?” The firbolg passed his lit staff over to her and set to work draping the blanket Caleb’s shoulders. He descended the first few stairs so he could be on eye level with the wizard.

“Excuse me,” Caduceus gently shifted Frumpkin so he had better access to Caleb’s arms.

“Beau, can you  grab my healer’s kit? Small green pouch on the front of my pack. Just lean the staff up there.” She gave him a quick nod and had to restrain herself from actually dashing down the hall and tearing  open Cad’s pack. Instead she padded quietly past her room with a still sleeping Jester and Fjord and Yasha’s. She dragged the pack out into the hall so she could see by the light of the staff. The kit was small and neat and exactly where he said it would be. She shoved the pack back into the darkness of the room and hurried back to where Caduceus held Caleb, unchanged. Beau got a slow calm smile in return for the healer’s kit.

“I’m going to take a look at your arms now Caleb if that’s alright. Why don’t you hold Beau’s hand there. Perfect. I’m going to roll up your sleeves now.”

Beau found herself again on the top step. Letting Caduceus’ calm words wash over her and Caleb as she held his limp trembling hand. The firbolg moved slowly and gently, telegraphing his actions and watching the slack face of the wizard carefully. Rolling up sleeves inch by inch, picking around unraveling bandages. Beau couldn’t do much more than watch and wince in sympathy as the sets of deep gouge marks were revealed. Still bleeding with the clear beginnings of bruises forming around them. The hand held in hers had blood under the nails.

“Oh Caleb.” She hadn’t meant for her words to sound so small.

Caduceus’ smile was just as sad as she felt. He patted her knee with one warm hand.

“I’m still out of healing but I’ll clean them up and wrap them for tonight.”

“Do you want me to wake up Jester?”

“No no, she needs some good sleep after a day like today. We all do. This can keep til morning. I have some salve that will help with the pain.”

He worked methodically with a muted grace and practice. Dabbing at the wounds with a sharp smelling alcohol and smearing on a thick paste. Wrapping in clean white bandages and tying them off with ease. None of them spoke in the quiet of the inn. Only Beau’s measured breathing and Caduceus’ occasional hum filled the space. Caleb said nothing and did nothing. Not flinching or cringing at the care. Not acknowledging either of his friends.

Caduceus finished and sat unmoving watching with careful eyes. He made to roll Caleb’s sleeves back down and paused over the loose and tangled wrappings.

“Before we finish up here would you like Beau to neaten these up?” He gently pulled at a slipping knot but got no response. “Are you okay with that Beau?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure, I can do that.” She could do that. Her and Caduceus traded places. She kneeled a few stairs down, he took her spot and dwarfed Caleb in a side hug.

She was used to wrapping her own hands and wrists, a mindless job to do quick and be done with. But she moved slow, tried to mimic Caduceus’ care. Picking apart the knots and rolling up the tattered bandages one by one. She didn’t pause to examine the trails of scars that ran up his arms. Didn’t ask the questions that were burning inside her chest like molten rock. Just worked slowly and as neatly as she could. Caduceus began to speak in his low quiet voice. Not telling a story like he might do for her or Jester or Nott, but just stating facts. The names, common and uncommon, of plants. Where they could be found and in which seasons. What they could be used for and how to best use them. It would have been boring if Beau hadn’t seen the occasional mouthed word from Caleb. Repeating words after Caduceus. Memorizing the impersonal information.

And slowly and gently, flickers of life returned to him, with calm words and careful hands.

He leaned into Caduceus’ warmth. Shifted his arms slightly to make Beau’s job easier.

“That’s not too tight is it?” She asked tucking in the last loose end.

“...nein.” It sounded more broken than before but it was something. Beau looked up at his face to see that his eyes were closed, brow furrowed. It was something. 

They sat there, the three of them, letting a few more minutes slip by. Beau hadn’t let go of Caleb’s boney hand. Willing the shaking to lessen up but knowing it wouldn’t. Caduceus let his words drift off into silence and rubbed small circles on Caleb’s back. Caleb did nothing, but let himself be held. 

It was Caduceus who broke the silence in his gentle way.

“I think it’s time we all get back to bed.”

Beau nodded, and as they helped him to his feet Caleb didn’t protest. Caduceus supported the wizard and his uncertain steps while Beau followed behind with Caduceus’ still glowing staff. They awkwardly creeped into Caleb and Nott’s room. Caduceus helped Caleb into bed, tucking the thin man in with the extra blanket. Beau glanced over at the other bed. For just a moment she thought she saw a flash of eyes but then nothing.

“Nott?” She asked quietly. There was no response. But there also wasn’t the usual snuffling sleep sounds of the little goblin.

“He’s alright Nott. It’ll be alright.” No reply. But the little form seemed to tighten in on herself under the blankets. Message heard.

A large hand settled on her shoulder. “Let’s get back get back to bed ourselves.”

They crept back out of the room and closed the door softly behind them. They both stood for a moment in the soft light. Beau ran her hands over her face and willed down the tears that were desperate to make it to the surface. She took a halting deep breath and kept it together.

“Come on.” Caduceus wrapped an arm around her and the two of them walked back towards their rooms. They stopped at Beau’s door and the half hug turned into a full one as Caduceus enveloped her in warmth.

His voice rumbled deep in his chest.

“Thanks for helping and for getting help when you needed it.”

Her words were mumbled into his shirt.

“Thanks for being there when I needed you.”

“Goodnight Beau.”

“Night Caduceus. See you in the morning.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the Defiance, Ohio song [Calling Old Friends](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxGHV0p8MAo)


End file.
